All right, Spock, just take it easy
by SG1SamFan
Summary: "You pretend not to have emotions, but you're nothing more than a mask, and humans are too stupid to catch on. Except a few." When Sherlock Holmes encounters the Enterprise, he has some enlightening deductions to make about Spock, Kirk – and John Watson. Crack!Fic. Kirk/Spock. Sherlock/John.


Disclaimer: One look at my bank account will tell you that I own neither Sherlock nor Star Trek

A/N:

Inspired by the obvious similarities between the characters – and more importantly, their differences.

Sherlock Holmes: I've always been able to keep myself distant. Divorce myself from feelings. But you see, body's betraying me. Interesting, yes? Emotions. Grit on the lens, the fly in the ointment.

John Watson: All right... Spock. Just take it easy.  
– Sherlock, Episode 2.2, "The Hounds of Baskerville"

Previously titled "[Sher]lock, Spock, and Barrel ("All right, Spock. Just take it easy.")"

* * *

Spock does not deny that Sherlock Holmes' expertise has been invaluable. Without Holmes, they would certainly have required more time to apprehend the crew member responsible for sabotaging the _Enterprise_'s warp core and throwing her into the past. Indeed, without Holmes' further deductions, they may have been unable to extract information from the traitor in time to halt and reverse the progressing deterioration and enable the _Enterprise_ to return to the future.

However, in return for solving the case, Jim has agreed to give Holmes five unrestricted minutes to analyze Spock and the bridge crew. Spock does not approve of this.

Holmes' behavior consists of a steady hum of activity punctuated by sudden and loud moments of frustration or insight. Currently, Holmes' attention is focused on Spock, and he is no doubt building to such a disconcerting moment. Dr. Watson, thus far, is watching the proceedings with a mild grimace.

Holmes smiles slowly. "Yes," he says.

Spock lifts an eyebrow in disdain.

"You're a hybrid, part human – you're married to a human female, deeply in love, but that would surprise most of these idiots."

Spock says nothing but fights a wave of disgust at the consulting detective's invasion into their private lives – and annoyance at Jim for giving him permission.

Holmes continues with a note of triumph. "You pretend not to have emotions, but you're nothing more than a mask, and humans are too stupid to catch on."

Spock narrows his eyes.

"Except a few," Holmes amends. He stalks over to Jim. "You. Dilated pupils when you look at him. Attraction." He leans back and grins. Spock feels his heart beat faster in his side and wills it to slow. "Elevated respiration now, Captain. Fear?"

"Sherlock," Watson says. It is a request, colored with nervousness. Holmes stares at Watson for 5.3 seconds, their expressions shifting. Watson shakes his head slightly, a warning.

Holmes' eyes dart across Spock's face now, his eyebrows flickering. Suddenly his demeanor changes and he turns back to Jim. "Shagging an Orion female – the one in engineering."

Jim frowns. "How–"

"Humans only have four pairs of canines, Captain, and you smell like grapefruit."

Holmes turns on his heel and sweeps toward the door.

Spock hears Kirk exhale heavily.

"Also, you're in love with your first officer," Holmes tosses over his shoulder as he exits.

The door shuts with a _whoosh._

Jim breaks the silence with a tense laugh.

The room empties quickly, leaving the two men alone.

"Guess he can't get 'em all right, huh, Spock?" Jim says, licking his lips.

Spock tilts his head. "While I do not respect the cognitive leaps Sherlock Holmes makes with insufficient evidence, he is an unusually perceptive human. To my knowledge, his deductions have all been correct."

Jim's grin fades.

* * *

"That was cruel." John isn't surprised anymore when Sherlock reveals things that should remain secret, but this time he finds himself unusually disappointed in his friend.

Sherlock waves away John's reprobation. "Kindness, John," he says casually. "Would you like me to share what I've deduced about _you_?"

John rolls his eyes. "No," he says honestly.

Sherlock ignores him. "Spock can't read emotions. I read emotions and am unaffected by them. The symptoms are the same, except I know something Spock didn't until now."

John starts to walk away.

He can hear Sherlock's footsteps behind him. "If I am Spock - plus intuition, of course - then you're Kirk."

John freezes.

"At least when it comes to me."

John laughs harshly as he turns around. "I don't think–"

"I'm still married to my work."

John shakes his head. "What point could you possibly–"

"_You_, John, are the only living soul whose emotions strongly affect me."

John stops, frowns. Blinks.

Sherlock looks vulnerable for the second time since John met him. "Are you open to non-monogamy?"

John's mouth opens. Closes. Opens again. "You can't joke about this, Sherlock," he says seriously.

* * *

"You are and ever shall be my friend, Jim," Spock says softly. "Friendship does not preclude a romantic connection."

Jim's mouth opens. Closes.

"Were I completely Vulcan, my biology would make multiple romantic bonds impossible. However, I am half-human."

Jim's nostrils flare. "What are you getting at, Spock?"

"Nyota encouraged me to approach you. I refused because I did not believe you returned my..." He inhales. "...feelings."

Spock studies Jim, waiting.

* * *

"This isn't a joke, John."

"I know. You don't joke. You're a Vulcan."

Sherlock rolls his eyes. "I'm far smarter than a–"

With a frustrated groan, John grabs his lapels and pulls him into a kiss. After a moment, Sherlock wraps his arms around John's waist and pulls their bodies flush together.

* * *

Jim clears his throat. "Spock, are you joking?"

Spock shakes his head. "Never about this, Jim."

Jim sucks in a breath and grabs Spock by the shoulders, and they collide in a rough kiss.

* * *

A/N: I know, I know – this is a bit out of character. I tried to be as true to the characters as I could without diving into the angst, because this is a Crack!Fic, dammit. :)


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